In their book "Fight Right", the Gottmans say:
It’s natural in a long-term relationship to have conflict. The problem is, we haven't been taught how to do it right. We don't get "Fighting 101" in high school, before we launch into our first relationships. We go in blind. Our beliefs about and approach to conflict come from our childhood, our upbringing and culture, and our past relationships, and they shape the way we fight in ways we may not even be aware of. No matter how many relationships we might have had, or how many years we've been partnered, many of us are still feeling our way, trying to figure it out as we go— and we make a lot of mistakes.
We stew on resentments for far too long before bringing up a problem.
We start harshly, with criticism.
We don't know how to self-soothe, and we get overwhelmed and flooded with emotion.
We get defensive.
We don't stop to figure out what the fight is really about.
We miss or reject the attempts our partners make to repair and meet in the middle.
We can't seem to compromise without feeling that we've given up too much.
We apologize too fast because we just want the fight to be over.
And here's a huge one: we ignore past fights—or, as we like to call them, "regrettable incidents." We don't talk about them, heal from them, or learn from them, we just move on.
The end result: we hurt each other. We end up wounded by our conflicts and further apart from our partners than we were before, or afraid of being wounded, we avoid conflict entirely, and that gap grows even wider.
Sound familiar? Looking for tools to break the cycle?
Reading a book is helpful. Getting personalized coaching as a couple is even better. Learn how to communicate calmly, compromise when needed, and repair resentment using proven techniques. We’ll work together in therapy to develop these tools—so you can take them home and put them into practice.
In-person sessions are especially recommended for couples in crisis.